Inconsiderate, Me

Heart Scar

I should have known better

I should have had more empathy

Because she worries

When I’m alone in the woods

An hour after dark and no word from me

That isn’t like me at all

You see, she worries about me sometimes

The stubborn SOB that I am

I push it

I push myself

I take risks

And she worries about me

Three unanswered messages

Borderline freaking out

Finally, I respond

How utterly rude of me

She said, “It’s okay, now I can put my heart back in my chest”

The scar reminds me of the pain I caused

Pain I hope to never put her through again

It would have taken so little

A simple, “I’m okay, just getting something to eat”

Stupid….Me

But she forgives so readily

And I love her for it

Thank you my dear

I am Me (again)

Sleeping lion

I am the me that once was

The me I believe you once loved

The me I believe you once respected

Before I lost control

Control I never lose

But I did, because I lost You

I should never have shown you my weakness

The weakness you begged to see

The weakness I should have kept hidden from you

I knew better than to show it

So I trusted you to hold it

But you advertised it to the world

That is what hurts the most

All your demons I held

I still hold, privately, securely, safely and always will

They are safe with me

If only the opposite were true

But it isn’t, so….

These days I sit in reflective silence

Softly pondering the “what if’s” and “why’s” of it all

But the thoughts do not haunt me anymore

I am once again in control

I am ME once more

Stoic and poised as I should be

But the genie is out of your heart’s bottle

And you are not the type to forget

Or forgive

In the quiet moments of solitude

In the songs on the radio

And the constant melody in my head

You will forever dance

I found myself because of you

I lost myself because of you

I lost my mind for you

I regained control for my sanity

And now I can rest peacefully

Love always

Every Day I Think of You (Still)

Every Day

Every day

Every day I think about you, still

Randomly coming to mind

and I smile

Time passes and days drift by

as you float in and out of my consciousness

there is always a sense of you

I hope you are happy

I pray that you are

You deserve real, true happiness

11 years today

and I can’t even call or e-mail to say “Congrats!”

Your threat, or was it a promise,

No, it was a threat….

is etched in my mind

But beyond the threat, I respect your wishes

I respect YOU

55 days from today is your birthday

Your 30th

I wish I could at least say “Happy B-Day”

That you didn’t say it to me is irrelevant

I feel no animosity toward you

You are still You to me

and I hate what I am to you

So if you ever read this,

know that I think of you still

You dance in my mind like a dream

Melancholy mixed with joy

Sadness mixed with elation

Good mixed with bad

I feel older somehow

weather beaten and grey

the void left by my failure

will never be filled because I don’t want it to be

it is my penance, my burden, my yoke, my crucifix

Every day I think of you, still

and I smile