I don’t know about you, but I can’t take any more of the pseudo-intellectual corporate jargon being used these days. It makes me want to puke. If I hear one more “Kid” fresh out of college use the word Dialog in place of Talk, I am going to throat punch him. I am debating the idea of carrying a horn into meetings and if I hear Synergy or Cross Functional let loose on the horn. It seems to me that “World Class” and “Best Practice” rarely are. They are typically an asinine and inane idea some douchebag copied from another douchebag because he/she thought it would make him/her look smart. So I made up a fun little Mission Statement to make me smile. Take a deep breath before reading because it is quite a run-on sentence by design. Enjoy.
“(The Company) will collaborate with the various cross functional corporate entities to create a synergistic strategy that encourages dialog across multiple disciplines and business units while leveraging our assets to capitalize on the combined efforts of divisional and regional champions to instill ownership among all corporate levels thereby enabling individual empowerment while sustaining diversity to foster a multi-level stratagem resulting in World Class customer service while maintaining our position as a global Best Environment workplace.”
Update: After reading several comments below (please check them out) I need to add a few more, but they are not “Mission Statement” type words or phrases. Please feel free to comment and add your own. “High Level Overview”, “50,000 Foot View” & “Go Live Date”.
Rocket science, NOT
It isn’t that difficult
“Shirt coffee”, Really?!!
Cup seam aligned with lid spout
Common sense now uncommon
Note: Just one of my pet peeves (of which there are many). Is it too much to expect people to THINK these days??
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you don’t align the thick seam on the rim of the cup with the drinking spout of the lid.
New word for you: Sphinctosity – The degree or duration to which an individual has his/her head up their ass. Typically evaluated on a scale of 1 – 10, henceforth referred to as the Sphinctosity Scale.
I am as happy as the next guy
but come on…..
Enough of the song – Happy!!
It was cute the first million times I heard it,
but for crying out loud
I’m dying over here.
I can’t even take a piss
in McDonalds without hearing it
are you shitting me??
Please someone drive a stake
through the heart of that infernal song
It’s the “Don’t worry, be happy” of today
Yeah, THAT damn song sure didn’t get old either…. Ugh!!
Pull the fucking plug, PLEASE!!!
It doesn’t make me happy anymore.
I have about had it.
Had it up to my eyeballs
with all these whining
I’m not talking about
emotional pain here.
That is something completely
different and personal.
I am referring to physical pain.
A cut or a scratch. A broken finger.
A claw hammer ripped off your nipple.
Little stuff like that.
Oh, you got a scratch
on your arm or an itty bitty
cut on your knee…..
You don’t need Neosporin
or a fucking Bandaid.
Pack some dirt in it
and play ball
like us “old” people did.
Your little tummy hurts
or you feel “yucky” so
you call in sick.
Are you shitting me?!
Grow the hell up
you soft-ass little powder puff.
Life is hard
and sometimes it hurts.
Be like Batman.
No super powers like Superman or Spiderman.
No, Batman took care of business
with just brains and a Bad-ass attitude.
So suck it up you candy-ass
and stop your whining.
AND Mommies and Daddies….
Leave them alone and let them
You survived. In fact it made you
the strong person you are today.
What makes you think
it won’t do the same for them?
Pain is simply weakness leaving the body.
Deal with it.
And that’s all I have to say about that. 🙂
Thanks for letting me rant today. I needed to get that out.
And thanks to bruisedbelly for the pic. It was just what I needed
to bring this whole tirade to fruition.