Learning to Walk


Someone very dear to me is going through a difficult time right now

She is a Rock Star in my eyes

One of the most amazing people I’ve ever known

She is learning to “Walk” on her own again

It isn’t easy and it will take effort

She will stumble and possibly fall

but she’s strong in her current fragile state

Heaviness is difficult for me (not that it’s about me)

I feel a need to lighten the moment with silliness

and frivolity

So, my dear….

With all that you are going through

know that I’m here

and remember

in order to walk

Put one foot in front of the other…..(come on, you know the words)

Photo: Winter Warlock / Rankin-Bass – Santa Claus is coming to Town  (1970)

Hate Me


Thanks to bruisedbelly for helping me to post a song. (I’m a dork in a lot of ways, but her coolness prevailed)

In addition, she reminded me about THIS song.  It really captures the way I am starting to feel.

That maybe it’s good the woman I hurt for so long hates me in some way in order to find what is truly good for her.

Remembering all tears she cried believing I was “the one” for so long, I can’t say “I’m sorry” near enough.

When I said……


Every Day 2

When I said….

That you would be the one to leave

That I’m not a Knight in Shining Armor

That you would find someone better

That you would want someone more than you did me

That you would love someone more than you did me

That you would be truly happy

That I hoped for all these things for you

That it would hurt this badly to lose you

That you are, and always were Worth it

That you are not just a place to put it

That I would miss you so damn much

That I would think of you every day, EVERY DAY

That I would feel you in music

That embers of you would haunt and burn me still

That I would order (and not eat) an Olive burger just to imagine you enjoying it across from me

That I would miss your jaw popping as you chewed

That I would finally cry – for you


You didn’t believe me then.

Do you believe me now?



** Please no comments on the Jensen Ackles pic (Ooops, sorry– Dean Winchester pic.  Hahaha)  It’s and inside thing (in case she ever reads this) that might cause her to call me a fucker under her breath, but still she’ll still smile.  Technically the entire piece is an inside thing, in addition to being cathartic in some degree for me.  Some days are more difficult than others and this weekend was ponderous.  Knowing she’s forgotten provides some degree of comfort because it means she is happy.  It also means I wasn’t as important in her life as she believed me to be.  She is blessed with object constancy issues and I am not a constant.  The fact is, I was blessed to be given what she gave of herself for as long as she could. She is perfect.  Damn, this turned into it’s own little sub-post.  LOL    Oh well, my blog my fucking rules.

The Ship of Light

White sailboat
A beautiful ship of brilliant white light sailing on a sea of endless black. Alone and yet determined to find safe harbor. The foreboding ebony waters lapped at her hull and sang a song of longing and regret. Her sails not of fabric, but of pure light filled with emotion pushing her onward. The dark sea swelled and rose up in vain to keep her beauty and light unto himself, but the perfect ship stayed undaunted to her course. Fearing her loss, the vacant brine crashed across her bow attempting to capsize and send her into the abyss. The selfish water thinking only of himself continued as the beautiful ship persevered. She cried out, “Why do you treat me this way? I have done nothing but grace your dark surface with the soft caress of my hull all these many years.” The heartless black waters thundered, “I have come to depend upon your touch and fear the unknown and loneliness when you reach your final harbor.” She replied, “If you love me, would you deny me my freedom and destiny of sailing upon crystal waters just to satisfy your own selfishness?” The sea calmed to glass at the utterance of this question and was silent. Pain and fear had clouded his mind. Days passed. Finally the sea of black lightened as he spoke once more to the ship of pure and brilliant white light, “Go my dear, I grant you safe passage on your journey into the crystal clear waters of your future. I will miss your touch and your light, but know you are not mine to hold. I will remember you each night in the reflection of the stars upon my surface for all to know that you are real and our time together was therefore real. Fare thee well my sweet.
She is the ship.
I am the sea.

Not Just A Place To Put It

Not just a place
I want to ask you
every time we talk,
Why you sell yourself short?

Why do you always seem to find a way
to lessen your wants and needs
or imply what you want is not important?

Why do you see yourself
as an object for men to use?

Ignoring your needs for theirs
because your needs are not important,

Why do you see yourself as
just a place to put it?

It breaks my heart
each and every time we talk.

The conversation takes
that wicked turn.

I feel it coming every time
and know you can’t help it, babe.

The scars cut deep on your
arms and thighs
and etch your very soul.

You even discount me at times.
Discount what we had.

Knowing that it’s
self-preservation does
not lessen the pain we
share as you make us
something we were not.

I want to ask,
Why do you allow these thoughts
to master you?
Why can’t you learn to master them?

But I know the answer
before the words ever escape my lips.

It’s him.

That evil piece of shit
and all the vile things he did
to the innocent
beautiful angel you once were (and are).

Please try to find that perfect
angel inside of yourself.

She is still inside someplace.

Fight to give her a voice
and her rightful place in
the heaven of your chosing.

Allow the angel she once
was a chance to spread
her wings and fly.
High above the pain and sorrow.

Smiling with tears of
pure joy raining down
upon the earth.

Giving peace
to others who have suffered
at the hands of evil.

Regardless of what that
depraved and baleful
excuse of a man did,
he does not define you.

I know what I’m asking is
Easier said than done.

I realize there is comfort
in a known hell
and there is fear in an unknown heaven.

But please try.

Not for me.

For yourself my dear sweet angel.

YOU are worth it.
You are worth more than you know.
You are
Not Just A Place To Put It.