Her Ring (Rose Quartz)

Rose Quartz

Given to her for strength

For balance

For peace

For love

My unconditional love, always

To help her love herself

Which I so desperately desired for her

And she so desperately needed

Custom designed specifically for her

Designed to calm her heart and mind

One of a kind for a one of a kind

Perfection on perfection

Once her source of comfort when we were apart

Now a source of pain and regret

Sadness

Hidden in a dark box, alone

Waiting for her to see the truth

Though we were not meant to be

It’s meaning remains

Some day, in a quiet moment of solitude

She will slip it on her dainty finger again

Smile and remember

Unconditional Love

My lasting love for her

Her ring

Hate Me

 

Thanks to bruisedbelly for helping me to post a song. (I’m a dork in a lot of ways, but her coolness prevailed)

In addition, she reminded me about THIS song.  It really captures the way I am starting to feel.

That maybe it’s good the woman I hurt for so long hates me in some way in order to find what is truly good for her.

Remembering all tears she cried believing I was “the one” for so long, I can’t say “I’m sorry” near enough.

When I said……

 

Every Day 2

When I said….

That you would be the one to leave

That I’m not a Knight in Shining Armor

That you would find someone better

That you would want someone more than you did me

That you would love someone more than you did me

That you would be truly happy

That I hoped for all these things for you

That it would hurt this badly to lose you

That you are, and always were Worth it

That you are not just a place to put it

That I would miss you so damn much

That I would think of you every day, EVERY DAY

That I would feel you in music

That embers of you would haunt and burn me still

That I would order (and not eat) an Olive burger just to imagine you enjoying it across from me

That I would miss your jaw popping as you chewed

That I would finally cry – for you

 

You didn’t believe me then.

Do you believe me now?

 

 

** Please no comments on the Jensen Ackles pic (Ooops, sorry– Dean Winchester pic.  Hahaha)  It’s and inside thing (in case she ever reads this) that might cause her to call me a fucker under her breath, but still she’ll still smile.  Technically the entire piece is an inside thing, in addition to being cathartic in some degree for me.  Some days are more difficult than others and this weekend was ponderous.  Knowing she’s forgotten provides some degree of comfort because it means she is happy.  It also means I wasn’t as important in her life as she believed me to be.  She is blessed with object constancy issues and I am not a constant.  The fact is, I was blessed to be given what she gave of herself for as long as she could. She is perfect.  Damn, this turned into it’s own little sub-post.  LOL    Oh well, my blog my fucking rules.

Every Day I Think of You (Still)

Every Day

Every day

Every day I think about you, still

Randomly coming to mind

and I smile

Time passes and days drift by

as you float in and out of my consciousness

there is always a sense of you

I hope you are happy

I pray that you are

You deserve real, true happiness

11 years today

and I can’t even call or e-mail to say “Congrats!”

Your threat, or was it a promise,

No, it was a threat….

is etched in my mind

But beyond the threat, I respect your wishes

I respect YOU

55 days from today is your birthday

Your 30th

I wish I could at least say “Happy B-Day”

That you didn’t say it to me is irrelevant

I feel no animosity toward you

You are still You to me

and I hate what I am to you

So if you ever read this,

know that I think of you still

You dance in my mind like a dream

Melancholy mixed with joy

Sadness mixed with elation

Good mixed with bad

I feel older somehow

weather beaten and grey

the void left by my failure

will never be filled because I don’t want it to be

it is my penance, my burden, my yoke, my crucifix

Every day I think of you, still

and I smile

Goodbye Sweetie

(Knowing she will never read this, I still need to get it out)

 

It’s okay now

I understand

I understand why you won’t talk

why you can’t bring yourself to e-mail

 

You have truly moved on

or the pain is too much to bear

or both

 

Just know this,

nothing was a waste

not a single moment, not a single gift and definitely not the love

they were(are) all worth it

You are worth it

 

There are so many things that show it was real.

Things that are nothing and yet everything

 

plastic spoons

Lunch box for M

her princess bike

dancing in your kitchen just because

Lays chips for you and Bug Juice for her, left on the porch

Owl mugs

Fixing the sump pump

Ink

KOL tickets, simply because you love them

Cheesy gordita crunch with extra Baja sauce and a fountain Mt. Dew

Meeting with Doug

Inspiring my first (and second) song after 20+ years of failure

Beautiful is as beautiful does, and you do beautiful each day

Nov. 11

My love

Your love

 

A small list of little things that have no significance to anyone but us, and sadly maybe only to me

Things I will remember and cherish forever

Things that are not done simply for a piece of ass

But it’s okay

I’ve come to accept that you might need to believe that all you were is a POA in order to protect your heart and mind

I have struggled to find some kind of peace and hope with all my heart you have found it too

That you have or will find joy and happiness

This is simply my feeble, and probably failing, way of giving myself some kind of closure

I will miss you more than you will ever allow yourself to admit.

 

Goodbye Sweetie,

Me