Corporate Rant

I don’t know about you, but I can’t take any more of the pseudo-intellectual corporate jargon being used these days.  It makes me want to puke.  If I hear one more “Kid” fresh out of college use the word Dialog in place of Talk, I am going to throat punch him.  I am debating the idea of carrying a horn into meetings and if I hear Synergy or Cross Functional let loose on the horn.  It seems to me that “World Class” and “Best Practice” rarely are.  They are typically an asinine and inane idea some douchebag copied from another douchebag because he/she thought it would make him/her look smart.  So I made up a fun little Mission Statement to make me smile. Take a deep breath before reading because it is quite a run-on sentence by design.  Enjoy.

MISSION STATEMENT:

“(The Company) will collaborate with the various cross functional corporate entities to create a synergistic strategy that encourages dialog across multiple disciplines and business units while leveraging our assets to capitalize on the combined efforts of divisional and regional champions to instill ownership among all corporate levels thereby enabling individual empowerment while sustaining diversity to foster a multi-level stratagem resulting in World Class customer service while maintaining our position as a global Best Environment workplace.”  

 

Update:  After reading several comments below (please check them out) I need to add a few more, but they are not “Mission Statement” type words or phrases.  Please feel free to comment and add your own.   “High Level Overview”,  “50,000 Foot View” & “Go Live Date”.

 

Shirt Coffee (A Tanka Rant)

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Rocket science, NOT

It isn’t that difficult

“Shirt coffee”, Really?!!

Cup seam aligned with lid spout

Common sense now uncommon

Note:  Just one of my pet peeves (of which there are many).  Is it too much to expect people to THINK these days??

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you don’t align the thick seam on the rim of the cup with the drinking spout of the lid.

New word for you:  Sphinctosity –  The degree or duration to which an individual has his/her head up their ass.  Typically evaluated on a scale of 1 – 10, henceforth referred to as the Sphinctosity Scale.

Black Belt (Not) – A Rant by nottooold2

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Young people crack me up

With their head full of college-speak

Their mouth full of corporate-speak

Believing they are all grown up

It would be funny

if they didn’t think they were wise

knowledge does not equate to wisdom

intelligence is not indicative of common sense

But they are cute in their delivery

Using words like “Synergy” and “Dialog”

Phrases like, “Who would you like to Champion this project”?

I have to smile and mess with them

It’s who I am (some refer to me as a sarcastic dick)  LOL

I say things like, “I’m not sure if I’d want a champion, but Bill could lead the project”.

I crack myself up.

Especially when the kid doesn’t get it.

They try to help the old man understand

that a “Champion” is a “leader”.

Really, Hmmm…I didn’t know that…

I’m not as dumb as You look (and sound) you punk-ass kid

Yesterday an early 20 something explained to me

that if I ever wanted to become a director

I would need to get my Six Sigma Black Belt.

I told him Thank you, but I already had several nice black belts

He didn’t get it…They rarely do

Mostly because they are too busy trying to impress you with everything they know

and all the cool corporate catch phrases they’ve memorized

that they don’t take the time to LISTEN.

They are completely oblivious to the fact that I don’t work

because I have to

I work because I want to

because I enjoy what I do

I have no desire to “Move up”

In fact, the plan is to move down

to a quiet little town in southern Florida

and take walks on the beach and go fishing

My BOARD room will be at the end of a dock

overlooking the gulf of Mexico

and yes, IF I decide to wear shoes at all

and if they are black…..

I will wear one of my black belts

**Image of Six Sigma Black Belt taken from Google images.

NOTE: I hope they don’t mind me using their made up, common sense system that is designed to create an imaginary need for themselves in weak corporate structures and board rooms in addition to giving young college kids jargon that leads them to believe they are actually educated in business all the while, their mommy still has to tie their necktie for them each morning after their bowl of Fruitloops and a Poptart. **** AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON “5S” or S.M.A.R.T. goals !!!!  ****

On Being Happy for Others….

Why is it that some people find it so difficult to compliment others or be happy for someone else. I hope you are not one of these people. You know who I am talking about…. The person that always seems to find fault in the new “thing” you bought. Those subtle cut downs like, “Why did you get that color?” OR “I guess if you like that model, it’s okay”, “Why do you drink THAT brand of coffee?”, “I guess if that’s all you can afford…”. This is the passive cut down that is subversive and rude. Many people walk away from these interactions without knowing why they feel so bad about something they were originally happy about.

A similar type of person is one that simply cannot find it within him/herself to be happy for others. They feel the need to openly cut people down in a futile attempt to boost their own self-worth or soothe their fragile ego. They belittle and bully others to compensate for their personal shortcomings. Thinking that if they cut someone else down, it will lift them up. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is like a drug that gives a high. The more you use it, the more that is required to give the high. At some point it becomes your master turning you into a bitter shell of a man/woman. You convince yourself it is due to jealousy of your intelligence, talent or beauty. In your warped view of yourself, you start to rationalize your behavior… because after all, you ARE superior to others…Right? They don’t get you because you are on another plain than they are.

These people are children at heart. They have never developed beyond the mental capacity of a 7yr old. I don’t say that as a slam. It is simply an observation. Think about it for a moment. We were all taught as children that we are not the center of the universe. That the world does not revolve around us. We were taught this because, as a child, the world DOES revolve around us. It is only when we grow that we are shown the truth. Sadly for some, this learning never occurs and they are stuck in a child-like state. Always expecting the world to cater to their every need and desire. To tell them they are the best, the smartest, the fastest, the most beautiful. If they do not get this affirmation, they attack and belittle others in a never-ending attempt to sate their hunger to be the center of the universe.

These people seem to think that being happy for others is form a weakness and strength comes from being an ass. The truth is that it is the exact opposite.

Being confidently humble does not come naturally for many people. It is usually a learned skill. Sometimes taught by parents or grandparents and sometimes learned the hard way when life smacks you in the face. The not-so-secret secret is to humble yourself with confidence.

Ask yourself: Is hating a rich man going to make you wealthy? Is finding fault with your neighbor’s new car going to put a new car in your driveway? Is cutting someone down for going to make you feel better about yourself?   If you answered Yes to any of these questions, I feel sorry for you. If you answered No, good for you. Always strive to be cognizant of the words you chose and the message you communicate both verbally and non-verbally. Be genuinely happy for others when they are happy and support them when they are down. This is not rocket science folks. It is simply part of being a mature adult.

With that said, I am not a wishy washy, hug your enemy person and intentionally crossing me is a serious mistake. What I’m saying is don’t fool yourself into believing knocking others down has the inverse effect on you. The fact of the matter is, it lessens you as a person.  You will find that being happy for others will increase your personal happiness exponentially. Then again, I realize there are people that make the choice to be unhappy. For that I have no answer.

NOTE: This rant has been brought to you by the ever humble, nottooold2. It has not been proof-read or checked for grammatical errors. It is a rant and by its very nature simply flowed from my mind through my fingers to your computer or phone screen. It flip flops from first person to third person and back…and all around.  Whatever. 

Enjoy….or not. I’m good with either.  🙂