Corporate Rant

I don’t know about you, but I can’t take any more of the pseudo-intellectual corporate jargon being used these days.  It makes me want to puke.  If I hear one more “Kid” fresh out of college use the word Dialog in place of Talk, I am going to throat punch him.  I am debating the idea of carrying a horn into meetings and if I hear Synergy or Cross Functional let loose on the horn.  It seems to me that “World Class” and “Best Practice” rarely are.  They are typically an asinine and inane idea some douchebag copied from another douchebag because he/she thought it would make him/her look smart.  So I made up a fun little Mission Statement to make me smile. Take a deep breath before reading because it is quite a run-on sentence by design.  Enjoy.


“(The Company) will collaborate with the various cross functional corporate entities to create a synergistic strategy that encourages dialog across multiple disciplines and business units while leveraging our assets to capitalize on the combined efforts of divisional and regional champions to instill ownership among all corporate levels thereby enabling individual empowerment while sustaining diversity to foster a multi-level stratagem resulting in World Class customer service while maintaining our position as a global Best Environment workplace.”  


Update:  After reading several comments below (please check them out) I need to add a few more, but they are not “Mission Statement” type words or phrases.  Please feel free to comment and add your own.   “High Level Overview”,  “50,000 Foot View” & “Go Live Date”.


Black Belt (Not) – A Rant by nottooold2


Young people crack me up

With their head full of college-speak

Their mouth full of corporate-speak

Believing they are all grown up

It would be funny

if they didn’t think they were wise

knowledge does not equate to wisdom

intelligence is not indicative of common sense

But they are cute in their delivery

Using words like “Synergy” and “Dialog”

Phrases like, “Who would you like to Champion this project”?

I have to smile and mess with them

It’s who I am (some refer to me as a sarcastic dick)  LOL

I say things like, “I’m not sure if I’d want a champion, but Bill could lead the project”.

I crack myself up.

Especially when the kid doesn’t get it.

They try to help the old man understand

that a “Champion” is a “leader”.

Really, Hmmm…I didn’t know that…

I’m not as dumb as You look (and sound) you punk-ass kid

Yesterday an early 20 something explained to me

that if I ever wanted to become a director

I would need to get my Six Sigma Black Belt.

I told him Thank you, but I already had several nice black belts

He didn’t get it…They rarely do

Mostly because they are too busy trying to impress you with everything they know

and all the cool corporate catch phrases they’ve memorized

that they don’t take the time to LISTEN.

They are completely oblivious to the fact that I don’t work

because I have to

I work because I want to

because I enjoy what I do

I have no desire to “Move up”

In fact, the plan is to move down

to a quiet little town in southern Florida

and take walks on the beach and go fishing

My BOARD room will be at the end of a dock

overlooking the gulf of Mexico

and yes, IF I decide to wear shoes at all

and if they are black…..

I will wear one of my black belts

**Image of Six Sigma Black Belt taken from Google images.

NOTE: I hope they don’t mind me using their made up, common sense system that is designed to create an imaginary need for themselves in weak corporate structures and board rooms in addition to giving young college kids jargon that leads them to believe they are actually educated in business all the while, their mommy still has to tie their necktie for them each morning after their bowl of Fruitloops and a Poptart. **** AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON “5S” or S.M.A.R.T. goals !!!!  ****