I am Me (again)

Sleeping lion

I am the me that once was

The me I believe you once loved

The me I believe you once respected

Before I lost control

Control I never lose

But I did, because I lost You

I should never have shown you my weakness

The weakness you begged to see

The weakness I should have kept hidden from you

I knew better than to show it

So I trusted you to hold it

But you advertised it to the world

That is what hurts the most

All your demons I held

I still hold, privately, securely, safely and always will

They are safe with me

If only the opposite were true

But it isn’t, so….

These days I sit in reflective silence

Softly pondering the “what if’s” and “why’s” of it all

But the thoughts do not haunt me anymore

I am once again in control

I am ME once more

Stoic and poised as I should be

But the genie is out of your heart’s bottle

And you are not the type to forget

Or forgive

In the quiet moments of solitude

In the songs on the radio

And the constant melody in my head

You will forever dance

I found myself because of you

I lost myself because of you

I lost my mind for you

I regained control for my sanity

And now I can rest peacefully

Love always

10 thoughts on “I am Me (again)

  1. An incredible poem of the feelings you’ve gone through. I’m so sorry about your weaknesses being told to the world, and for the loss of control. Then it’s a relief about you regaining your control, of being you again. This poem has the feeling of being one that was very difficult to write. But I’m glad you wrote it and shared it.

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    • Thank you. Getting control back made it easy to write, but it would have been very different and very difficult to write several months ago. That said, I hope a bit of the pain never leaves. It’s a vivid reminder of something that could have been. I think of her with a wince and a smile. Thanks for the comment.

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    • Thank you. I am too. I have always been in control of myself and everything around me. Losing it really threw me for a loop, but it feels good to be “back”. 🙂
      I’m feeling a thrill seekers Kneeboard ride coming on. Stay tuned.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful poem. It’s good to hear you’re feeling yourself again. The loss of control is a horrid thing, especially to those of us who’s main pride is our sense of control. And, in my opinion, not that it matters haha, but coming through having your weaknesses shouted from the rooftops in such a strong and self-assured way shows just how much strength you have comparison to any weakness you may have, or have had.

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  3. Sometimes losing control redefines and strengthens by forcing you to know yourself better…just a thought. It’s always nice when you come out of those times positively.

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    • I believe you are right. 🙂
      It was the first time in my life I lost control and it freaked me right the hell out. Such a new feeling that it didn’t know how to handle. Getting control back is getting comfort back. The loss is still there, but I can handle it.

      Like

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